Hush, my Heart
by Silly.Sinistra
Summary: Sometimes lying to yourself is the only way to survive. Sometimes you just have to accept that your heart, no matter how persistent and true, is just not the smartest of things to listen to. - Where in Peeta is determined to move on and Katniss is just starting to learn to listen to her heart.


**DISCLAIMER:** **I do not own any of the hunger games characters and everything to do with hunger games will always be Suzanne Collins. I merely borrowing her characters and running away with my imagination. **

Katniss was lying on her stomach, for how long? She didn't quite know. She sometime had difficulty telling whether she was awake already or still sleeping. She was hungry and thirsty but was too tired to move. She rolled over to her back now staring at the ceiling. A few moments passed before she finally mustered the energy to sit up. She went down the stairs and looked at the counter where Greasy Sae usually left her meals. There was a plate of eggs, obviously from this morning and a bowl of chicken noodle soup for lunch. So she's missed two meals then. She went and took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap. She went over to the plate of eggs and bowl of soup. She took a couple of bites, as the food started to settle in her stomach, Katniss felt like retching. She tried her hardest to keep it down. She needed the food she knew but knowing it in her head was different from feeling it. She dragged herself into her bedroom and fell unto the sheets in a heap. She pulled the heavy blanket over her to hide from the world outside. There were no tears left in her, no intense feelings of guilt or grief, just a dull ache in her mid-section that never seemed to go away. Well at least for today. There are days when the grief consumes her all too thoroughly that there is nothing else she can feel but pain and anger, but not today. She closes her eyes and she sees Prim's smiling face. She can almost feel Prim's body next to hers like how they used to sleep beside each other all those cold winter days. She tries to remember Prim's voice, but it's never quite the same, like she's hearing Prim's voice from another side of a tunnel. She tries to remember all these minute details about her sister because little by little it seems to be slipping away and she can't let anything slip away. She's got to keep Prim's memory alive because that's all she has left of Prim, her memory.

She's been back to District 12 for a few weeks now. Although her perception of time really is quite skewed, it could have been 3 weeks give or take. It didn't really matter. She doesn't know how long she'll be allowed to wallow in her grief, but she's thankful they're not pushing her because she needs this right now. Thinking of doing anything else makes her heart constrict. Thinking of living in a world where Prim is gone makes the dull ache in her chest threaten to suffocate her.

Her mother's face calms her down. She's always thought that her mother was weak. In all practical sense of the word she is weak. She can't hunt or provide for her family, which is why Katniss had to step up as the head of the family all those years ago. When her father died, a big part of her mother seemed to die along with him. Now that Prim was gone, Katniss wondered how her mother was coping. How she was able to still carry on despite how much she's lost. She realized that she was wrong all along. Her mother wasn't weak. Not at weak at all.

She tried to remember the last time her mother called. Had it just been yesterday? Her mother was rambling on and on, undoubtedly trying to fill in the long silences coming from the other end of the phone.

"How are you doing it, mom?" Katniss quietly asked, interrupting her mother's train of thought.

"Doing what, honey?" Her mother replied.

"How are you not going out of your mind right now? How are you going about your days like nothing has happened?" Katniss whispered.

"Katniss, Oh Katniss, I.. of course I'm in pain too. I miss Prim all the time, I miss her so much… How can I not? But, I think about your sister and what she would have wanted for us to do. She wouldn't have wanted us to not live our lives now, especially now that we've gotten a serious chance at living it right. I know you've been through a lot, my darling. But we've got to try for Prim. I wish I could be with you now but I can't stand going back to 13. I just…can't" her mother finished feebly.

"It's okay, mom. I understand."

They sat in silence for a long time, each not knowing what more to say. Each wishing they knew how to comfort one another. But there was nothing that could be said and not much that could be done especially when they were miles away from each other. The static over the phone seemed to lull Katniss into a trance and she tuned out only catching Peeta's name from what her mother was saying then.

"What was that about Peeta?"

"I asked you if you've seen him yet? I heard he's gone back. A few days ago in fact. I've asked him to check in on you. Hasn't he?" Mrs. Everdeen asked.

"No he hasn't"

The conversation ended soon after with her mother promising to call again soon. Katniss now wondered about Peeta. He's been back for some time now, she guessed. And he still hasn't come by to see her. Not that she expected him to. Not that she wanted him to. She didn't know how she'd react seeing Peeta again. She wasn't sure how she felt about Peeta Mellark .

Peeta had always been the better one. The better person on all accounts. She didn't want to think about Peeta right now. So she shut her eyes and tried to sleep. Sleep was sometimes her only reprieve.

When Katniss opened her eyes again it was still dark out, but she could tell it was early morning. She could still hear the echoing screams that often came with the nightmares that plagued her. She went down the stairs bringing along the blanket from her bed. It was chilly today. She needed fresh air though and now would be the perfect time to get it. No one in 12 would be awake. She settled herself on the bench by her porch. The sky was a deep purple, the time of day when you couldn't tell the difference between breaking dawn and twilight. She gazed at Peeta's house wondering if he was in there. She wondered how he was doing. She wasn't herself after that shot that arrow and she hasn't seen him since he stopped her from killing herself.

Peeta woke up with start. Sweat was running down his back and his leg was hurting. His throat felt dry. He probably had been screaming, but he was used to it by now. He padded toward his window. He looked out into the night. It was quiet and peaceful so ironically different from his mind. He noticed movement by the porch of Katniss' house. His chest constricted. His first instinct was to rush over and see how she's been doing these past weeks. He hasn't seen her in a little over a month. He's been back at 12 for almost a week now but he held himself back. It took a lot of self-restraint but he knew that this was better. He needed to give himself a chance at life. He couldn't go on with his life the way he had been before. Katniss was like a drug and he planned to stay clean, trying to do that cold turkey was another story. He thought about staying in District 2, but he needed to see his home. He needed to see where and how his family died. He had gone to their old home a couple of times. He'd gone to the bakery too. He wanted to rebuild himself in District 12. He didn't want to pick up the pieces somewhere that felt alien, that's what he told himself anyway. He squinted and tried to see Katniss clearly but it was too dark and he was too far. He took a deep breath and went back to his bed. It wouldn't do to stand around near the window trying to spy on Katniss. How she was doing was not supposed to be his concern anymore.

A few hours later, Peeta headed out to go to the bakery. He was surprised to see Katniss her porch. He set his gaze on the road determined not to make eye contact but right when he thought she hadn't noticed him her voice stopped him at his tracks.

"So it's true, you are back" She said quietly.

"Hi Katniss" He sighed. He was going to go see her. It wasn't like he planned on hiding from her like a coward forever. He just would have wanted more time to steel himself for the inevitable meeting.

"I thou-"

"I wan-"

Katniss didn't seem to want to continue so Peeta started up again. "I was going to say, I wanted to come and visit but I didn't know if you felt up to seeing anyone. Your mother asked me to come and check in on you. I should have come sooner"

"I'm fine. I talked to her yesterday "

"Well that's good. She worries. " After a few seconds of silence Peeta shifted his weight and said "Listen… I have to get going. I hope to see you around. Take care of yourself, Katniss."

Peeta glanced at her briefly and continued on his way to the bakery. He felt a bit shaken up but he knew he had to keep walking. For the sake of his sanity, he needed to keep walking. Even if every fiber in his being wanted to march up those steps and sit Katniss down by the fire and force-feed her something. But he made a promise to give himself a chance at life, to try and be happy and he knew that wouldn't be a possibility. No. Not with Katniss. Katniss was not capable of loving him back. Katniss didn't seem capable of loving anyone. He had to stop thinking he could come along and change anything. He had to stop thinking Katniss needed saving because Katniss didn't want to be saved. He grit his teeth and continued walking taking big calming breaths. This is what's right for me. This is what's right for everyone. There was nothing between him and Katniss then and there never will be.

Katniss went back into her empty house and sat on the couch. So Peeta was back. He looked good, healthy and recovered. That was a good thing. He seemed different though, distant and cold. He hardly looked her in the eye during the entire run in. That wasn't the Peeta she knew. That wasn't the warm comforting bright and shiny Peeta she knew. For some reason she felt colder now than she did out there on the porch. She felt like crying. She felt like throwing something against the wall but she didn't want to process why she was feeling the way that she was. She needed to get out of here. She ran upstairs into the bathroom. She saw herself in the mirror and flinched. She looked horrible. No wonder Peeta didn't want to look at her. She didn't want to look at her either. Her hair was matted and there were purple circles under her eyes. Her lips were chapped and bleeding. She tried her best to untangle her hair and jumped into the shower. A while later, she walked into her wardrobe to grab her weathered hunting jacket and boots. She grabbed her arrow and was out of the house in seconds. She needed to clear her head. Peeta's presence shook her to core. She was restless and confused. She needed a distraction and hunting was the only thing that could do it, but she was a bit rusty and after a few hours of trying she'd only managed to get two squirrels. Her 12-year-old self would have laughed at her face and kicked her butt. But it wasn't just that she was rusty. She hadn't caught anything because truth be told she couldn't concentrate very well on anything. Her mind kept seeing Peeta's cold blue eyes staring through her. She could still feel the tense vibes he had been radiating. She absentmindedly made her way back to her house, still trying to figure out what exactly had happened for Peeta to be the way that he was. She felt sharp pain of anger coursing through her body. She wanted to confront him, to lash out, to get some kind of reaction from him besides his cordiality and calculated stare. She flung her hunting gear out in her back yard, hanging the squirrels to be gutted later on. She marched up to Peeta's front door and furiously rang the doorbell. She rang the bell five times but he didn't answer. She could stand here all night. She had nothing better to do. She was just about to beat at the door when Peeta wrenched the door open with a heaving chest.

"Katniss, I'm sorry it's not a good ti-"

"I don't care. I need to talk to you. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Katniss, what the he-"

"No. You. Don't. Get. To. Talk. You listen to me. I haven't seen you in a month and I find out that you've been back here for weeks and I don't even get a 'hello'? Finally realized what I've been trying to tell you from the beginning? Have you finally seen that I don't deserve to live? I bet you regret saving me now. I bet you wish you could turn back time? I know I do. You don't know how badly I wish it could have been different. How I wish it should have been me. You should have let me die." It all comes rushing out in one breath and she doesn't even really want to know what his reaction would be so she turns away as fast as she can but before she can run, he grasps her wrist.

"Katniss. I'm sorry I wasn't able to check on you sooner. It isn't like that. I just… I just needed some time. Please listen, I've been meaning to talk to you too. I just wanted to say that I get it now. I understand why you had to act like you cared about me and it's fine. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was real and what were imprinted memories and so I have a clearer perspective on how it was and what was necessary then. I want you to know that I'll be fine.." he looks at her for the first time and smiles, and it reminds her of the old Peeta, the warm charming Peeta she once knew. "And you will too. I'm here for you and I'm sorry it took me so long to muster up the courage to come and talk to you. But it's okay. You don't have to pretend anymore. But I want to help you any way I can okay? I promised your mom, I'd make sure you were okay" he says with a sad smile.

She isn't sure what he means but she's doesn't want to ask him. She's afraid to know exactly what Peeta Mellark means by telling her all this. So Katniess looks back at him, nods and walks away.


End file.
